Friday, June 15, 2012

I heard something I am really starting to think about it.

If I changed one thing today, where would I be tomorrow?

Today I changed just one thing, what I ate for breakfast. Instead of the same old bowl of cereal I had oatmeal instead. One start, one change and it may not make much of a difference tomorrow, but what if it makes a difference later. Not just breakfast of course, but what if I finally geet myself under control and start doing what I used to do before? Will I finally get back to where I was then?

I talked to my friend Karen the other day.  If she can continue to smile or laugh then I think I can.  Not only is she trying to save her house from foreclosure, had to give up school (which she is on her last term) she has the medical issues going on after just finding out that she may have cancer.  She was on her way to a full day of doctor appointments the other day.  Now she is on all kinds of medication right now. She has hypertension, her nerves are shot from all the stress and raising five kids on her own, finding out she may have cancer as her initial tests came out positive, and she may possibly have parkinsons which they haven't yet tested for but she shakes uncontrollably at times.  On her way to her appointments that day (at 9 am mind you) she was stopped by an officer because she had a headlight on her van that was duct taped in because a couple months before she had hit a deer and was unable to get it fixed.  She did however check with a state trooper who told her that it did meet the state legal requirements for the headlight. 

The trooper that stopped her that day told her that she was being stopped for having a headlight out. Of course she was shaking uncontrollably that morning.  He saw this and had asked her about it and she of course was very honest about everything and told him the medications she had taken that morning and that she was on her way to a full day of doctor appointments.  He, of course, thought she was on illegal drugs and arrested her.  He gave her a sobriety test to which she of course did questionably. Well no shit, she shakes sometimes to the point of needing two hands just to take a drink.  She was not however driving erratically, swerving or anything of the sort that would cause him to think that she was intoxicated, it was because of the headlight. 

She was arrested because she did "questionably" on the sobriety test because she was shaking uncontrollably.  He questioned her at length about taking illegal drugs intreveniously as well as illegal drugs to which she told him emphatically NO, she gave him all of her prescription bottles for what she was prescribed to take.

She did submit willingly to the blood test that was required and was actually very calm, pleasant and lucid with the officer that took her in. To a certain point I understand his suspicion, I do have several relatives in law enforcement.  What I do not understand is that she provided all information to the officer, she was not violent, she did not cause a problem and was very upfront about her medical condition and the fact that she was on her way to a full day of appointments.  The doctors offices were very well aware of her condition.  Why would they place her on a four hour hold that was completely unnecessary simply because she was shaking?

A single mother raising five children, unable to find a job, her home in danger of being lost which could possibly lead to the loss of her children as she would be unable to provide a roof over their head and the possibility of cancer and other medical problems.  She has even gone so far as to check with family members who would be able to take her children should something happen to her.  She talked jovially to the officer about all of this.  Not only did he give her a fix-it ticket for the headlight, he charged her with a DUI, gave her a ticket for driving irratically and then to add insult to everything they held her from 9:30 a.m until 6 pm at night simply because they thought she was on illegal drugs because she couldn't stop shaking! And by the time she was released she was shaking even worse than before! She was released and had to walk WELL OVER AN HOUR TO GET A RIDE BACK TO HER VAN. 

What type of training are the officers in Tennessee given that this type of treatment is given?  I am both upset and completely appalled that no reason for this treatment other than the fact that she was shaking uncontrollably which she explained and even a quick call to her physicians office would have been sufficient to allay any fears they had that she was under the influence. 

With everything that she is dealing with she also missed all of her appointments for that day. The mamogram to check for cancer, the appointment to find out why she has blood in her urine that is getting worse.  She missed the further testing that would be required to determine the cancer and if it is benign or if she has to worry about going through all kinds of chemotherapy. 

She was honest about all of it. She informed them of everything. She told them everything she had taken that morning.  They treated her like a criminal.  She now has to wait another two months for the test results to come back to prove that what she told them was the truth.  Two months with a DUI hanging over her head.  Two months of having to worry that they will take it further and call protective services.

Is this really how people in law enforcement are taught? That every single person is to be suspected of illegal drug use? That after all the searches and finding absolutely nothing and no reason to suspect anything further that people are still treated to this type of abuse of privilege and power? 

I do understand that there are people out there that are doing drugs and no, I do not want those people on the road.  But there should be a certain amount of common sense.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I want to scream damn it! Yet another interview, between me and one other and I STILL CAN'T GET A DAMN JOB.

F___tards voice has been in my head today and I started to cry a little. I listened to that bastard for years telling me that I was useless and worthless. That I would never be able to make it without him and I have a complete loathing for him and that damn voice constantly telling me that and right now I'm angry with myself for letting it get to me yet again. Not yet a year, not yet that one year mark of him leaving for the last time.  Not yet one year of the divorce being finalized.  Am I being tested? Yet another of those stupid silly tests to see how far I can be pushed until I break?

Or maybe it's a test to see how far I will go without standing up for myself again.

I have started businesses and yet I can't seem to get that confidence back to even try anything again.  I want to move to be closer to my family but that can't happen if I don't have the money yet to do it. I can't get the money if I don't have work.  What am I going to do once I get there? Go through the same thing? I need to try and figure out how to fix this so I can get moving again and it's just not there yet. Lose weight? Die my hair? Change my name? That may be a thought but it's not going to change the person that I am inside.  The one who is afraid to start all over again and keep going forward.  So I think the confidence started slipping when I didn't get the full-time position I had applied for a few months back.  It seemed that the only ones that they wanted to hire were the young perky girls who they thought would be brainless enough to become a drone.  If you sense bitterness than you may be correct. 

I truly do believe that things happen for a reason but what I don't know just yet is what exactly is the reason for not letting me get a job right now? Is there some divine plan for something better? Or is this simply a sign telling me that this is not the place that I'm supposed to be?  I haven't quite figured out what this is supposed to be telling me but just to be on the safe side I bought a lotto ticket just in case it's telling me that I'm supposed to win a boatload of cash and I wasn't supposed to commit myself to a long term assignment. Whatever the reason I don't think it was the lotto but better to be safe than sorry.

I've been hearing his voice and I want to squish him like a tick.  Something has to work out so I can get out of here and move closer to my family.  I want to own my own house again.  I want to be able to see my kids more, my brothers and their wives more, my cousins. 

I wish I could get out of this whiney ass place that I am at and just get over this and move on toward the things that I want.

I wish I had the confidence to actually list my furniture pieces I'm doing for sale on the internet but it's not happening yet.  If I had the money to move I would do it in a minute.

It's been a few days since I've talked to 'Karen' and the last that we talked she had to get papers into the bank so they could look at refinancing so she wouldn't lose her house.  Now if ever there was anyone that was lost and confused I think it would be her.  Her husband left almost three years ago after cheating with a woman and yet their divorce is still not yet done and over.  She's like a ghost caught in limbo not sure where the light is and no idea how to go forward. Five young kids at home, no job and trying to complete school but can't quite get it together to get it done.  And now the possibility of cancer as her initial tests came back positive.  I feel for her, and yet at the same time I feel unsure of how to help her with what she needs.  While I was working I would help by sending care packages of clothes for the kids but I haven't been able to help with anything lately.  I try and support her by listening but I feel awful that right now that's all that I can do. 

This is a woman who has at my lowest times been able to pull me out of it and make me laugh at myself and the things going on.  She was the one who told me about my husbands affairs, and the reason I finally made that decision to end things.

When she and I started talking again I had sent her a text and asked her if he wanted a divorce or not. I couldn't get an answer out of him so why not ask the one person I knew that he would confide in.  Now imagine talking to your own blood relative and having him tell you that he was already seperated and had bought a house only to have his wife who was still with him text you out of the blue and ask a question like that.  We came to find out by comparing that he had not only told her that we were seperated, but that I was supposedly living with him so that he could 'help me out'.  He had not only the girlfriend he was having an affair with in the office, but also the woman he had had an affair with nearly two years prior who was released from prison on a drug charge. 

Sound like a peach of a man yet?  It gets better. 

Karen also informed me that he had told her about the affair he had on our wedding night. My friend had come to stay with us just before the wedding and apparently on our wedding night she gave him a present he would never forget.  So this man that I had loved so deeply had had numerous affairs, treated me like I was nothing and now married to the woman he was having an affair with has now become the problem of someone else.  I hope his new wife knows all the things he used to say about her.  Better yet, I hope she doesn't figure it out until he's destroyed her life.

Not bitterness, just hoping a bit of kharma comes up and bites them both.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Since our talk last week, things have been extremely busy this week.  Ok, CHAOTIC would be more like it. 

Summer vacation started and his son did finally start a new job that he got through the school.  I'm very proud of him for starting to take the initiative to get out there and actually want to do something. I had him start a journal of what he did throughout the day and put him on a limit for computer time. He has been beginning to follow it, although he gets mad at me for insisting on putting limits on him, he has been able to adjust.  His autism pushes him to be in his own little world, but I can push back just as hard.  He has begun to find that pride in his accomplishments that I so hoped he would have.

His youngest daughter started summer vacation by going to a friends. Only this quickly turned into something that caused a problem.  Before leaving to go to her friends house she had asked for a pool pass that would cost $20.  Ok, not a big deal, we said that we would get it for her. She left before we could get it to her. Instead of coming to us before leaving to get it, she went to his ex-girlfriend and apparently told her that we could pay it or didn't want to pay it and the nasty text messages from his ex began. Point one, she is not her child. Two, she had no business sticking her nose into any of it. Three, how in the hell does a 15 year old become that manipulative that she will do or say anything just to get what she wants?!

I am completely aggravated by her behavior and I'm ashamed to say that I'm actually relieved that she is not here.  Trying to get my boyfriend to gain his confidence back as a parent and a partner has been a struggle at times but for the first time I heard him stand up for himself and he laid into the ex for her intrusion. 

I've seen, in the last few weeks, a calmness start to settle over him and he doesn't let the little things bother him as much as they once did.  This is a definite improvement.

As for me.  My oldest son and his wife left to move to Georgia.  Apparently he left on bad terms after an arguement with my brother. To say that this week has been full of children drama would be an understatement.  My youngest son is leaving for Alaska for a school trip soon and my vivacious daughter is coming to see me for a bit this summer as I get prepared to move closer to her. 

I have an interview today for a temporary position.  It's all I'm looking for at the time being to get ready to leave.  I have started looking for work and a place.  I am still currently working on my confidence in myself that I can do all of this and keep my sanity in place. That is if I still have any left. 

I have also started to do some of what I enjoy doing, making old furniture into something new.  Not that I have done anything other than start to re-do the furniture, I'm not sure I'm ready to list my work for sale but as I do more maybe I will.  I just have to get to that point.

I feel my life at a standstill and I'm still trying to figure out how to get it to move forward. Am I really at the point in my life where this is all that there is left? Where did the joy in my life escape to? I feel numb to much of what is going on around me. Whether this is partly to do with the insomnia or if this is what is causing it.  The question right now is,  how do I get it back?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I get so damn tired of logging into facebook and people post these pictures of women who have nearly perfect bodies and yet they have things like "too fat", "too big" written on themselves and people saying "like" if you don't like your body and these teenage girls who like it. Who the hell ever said that someone else has the right to tell anyone else what their body should or shouldn't look like.  And how the hell would some teenage boy barely out of puberty know anything about what a womans body should or shouldn't look like.  Just because he see's it in magazines or on tv he thinks he knows?!

I am infuriated by lowlife wanna be's  who continually do things to lower another persons self esteem by telling them how they should or shouldn't look. It is your own body and no one else's.  I will wear my tattoos because it is my body.  I will show my scars proudly because I EARNED them. Every stretchmark, every wrinkle, every gray hair. If I have issues with my body it is my own, it is NOT for someone else to tell me how I should or shouldn't look. 

You are an individual, you are NOT like everyone else and NO ONE has the right to tell you any different.  I may not be beautiful by your standards but I am proud of who I am.

Oh, and just for those 'little boys' who think they have the right to say it, someday a woman is going to judge the size of your penis, and you have no control over that either so think about it before you open your mouth again.

This is my rant for the day.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The job search. Oh what a lovely time to go out finding a job! I'm trying to psych myself because I think I've lost confidence in myself.  Before, I used to be able to set up interviews in one day and by the end of the day have my choice of positions. However, since coming here to this state, my work history has been spotty.

When I first came here I had interviews all lined up and had been trying to find a job but I had savings, money in my pocket, a car and it took me a month to find a job. I had confidence. 

The control my ex had over me took a little bit of time but it happened so slowly and I saw the warnings but I ignored them.  It started with just the occasional "you shouldn't be doing that" until it finally turned into "if you do that we're done".  He made a significant amount of money, but he also liked to spend money on gambling, and, as I found out later, on women as well.  If I worked, he didn't like it because I wasn't cleaning as much. If I didn't work then I was nothing but a lazy slut. When you have to deal with so much contradiction you aren't sure what to think.

It's time to get my confidence back. Time for me to get moving and finally do the things that I want to do and be able to make an income.  Maybe this is just a sign that I need to find my own way.  How do I get my confidence back?  How do I start to be happy and see just who I am? 

Things I like to do.  I like to take something that looks like junk and give it a new life. So far I've only done this in my own home.  Giving a table or a shelf a new life with a can of spray paint.  I love looking at houses. To see the architecture, the decor, what a person has done with their home or what they could do to their home.  I used to do artwork on my own.  Some of it wasn't bad. Of course I used to write a little bit but we can see how that went. I need more practice to get my writing from this disjointed collection of thoughts into something more understandable.  I hope it won't take a lot of time. My college creative writing teacher loved my style of writing and I always got A's.  He would be so ashamed of me now.

My second husband and I started two businesses. They were not extremely profitable, but they were able to help us maintain what we had. Two houses, two new cars and the things that we wanted to do. But then came the bombing of the twin towers and our fragile finance world crashed. I remember crying the day I saw it on TV and all the loss of life.  What I didn't realize at the time was what it would mean as far as our finances. I apologize if that sounds selfish, but it affected everyone. I was working at home at the time, not only were we running our businesses but I worked at home doing transcription for a medical company.  I worked constantly, many times until one or two in the morning.

So why, with as much as I have done in my life, and the confidence that I once had in myself and the love of life that I carry, am I not able to get myself up and motivated to do so much more in my life?  I cannot blame my last husband any longer for the things that he did, I allowed it to happen.  I did not see what was happening until it was much too late. People who knew him, even his own mother, warned me that he would wind up leaving and doing this to me.  Everyone else saw, and yet I still ignored it all because I loved him. 

I can sit here and say that I will never allow another man to take over my life in such a way again. I will stand up for myself and speak out if I don't believe that things are going the way that they should.

I pour my heart out here and yet I read it and it doesn't seem like me at all.  I am a funny person and a joy to be with, and yet the person I see here after writing all of this, I do not know.  She is weak and needs to get a life.  So maybe I need to get to know her better and show her how to change her life to the better. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I moved to this state almost 9 years ago and it strikes me that this is really the first time that I am seeing much of it and the things it has to offer for leisure. Yesterday he took me to a brewery tour which was the first time that I had been.  I was amazed at the history of beer making and the fact that they give you free beer at the end of the tour of the facility. I'm a budlight girl. Have to admit that I like the mild taste of it as I'm not much of a drinker. But I opended my taste buds to a different brand and was amazed that I actually liked the pungent tastes of hoppes. Free buzz....Wine tasting next??

There is quite alot to do here, that I was not allowed to do.  It may seem amazing that I would allow someone to take over so much of my life but over time it just seems to happen and you don't realize that it has happened or how much their words affect you. Hearing so many negative things said to me for so long had a profound affect. My ex had me believing that I could do nothing without him. That I would never be able to make it on my own without him. I still have yet to prove to myself all that I am worth. I struggle with this all the time.

No one ever really wants to understand why a woman would stay with someone who would treat her so poorly and yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes they are the oppressors or the oppressed and don't even see that it is happening to them. I did not see that I was the woman that was becoming caged. I had always been very headstrong and had always done things the way that I wanted.  If I was afraid of something I would face it and learn more about it and just do it.  A fear of snowboarding, I did it. I was afraid of driving near semi's, I can probably tell you more about semi's now than most would know.  Walking away from someone was always easy and yet here I was, the wife, the mother and the housekeeper too afraid to go anywhere on my own. This was a change for me. Never before had I ever been afraid to go out on my own to even have a drink alone, to eat alone or to go to a movie alone.

How did it happen? I was taken away from my friends, my family and my life. I used to walk daily, exercise constantly and eat the right things. Complete opposite today.

I used to have confidence in myself and what I could do. The exact opposite is true today.

Where do I begin and how do I start to unlearn the things I have done for so many years? How do I get back to the confident person I used to be without trying to fake it. To truly know the person I am. Do I use that time in my life as an experience? A building block to make me a better person? Or do I simply chip away at it and dispose of it in the rubble?  Yet another thing to struggle with.

When we finally got home we were both exhausted. I like the fact the for once in my life I am with someone who enjoys cooking and has no qualms about being the first one to cook. It's a change from being with men who fully expect that it is a womans job to cook and clean and do everything.  It may be the stereotypical norm that it is a womans duty to cook and clean and make everything nice, but why the hell does it have to be like that??  Women need to raise our sons to believe something entirely different, we need to help raise our sons past the norms of the past. They need to be able to pick up the slack and be a partner not an observer in a relationship. I wonder if maybe this is why so many marriages begin to fail as women expect men to be the partner and men are not quite there yet.

I enjoy him being able to pick up some of the slack and I don't even have to ask. But I'm confused by him as well.  We do not say the 'L' word to one another other than in the occasional friendship vernacular. Yet last night came a couple comments I am confused by. 

He was on the computer and read an article about some guy who had sold off his baseball card collection to get his girlfriend a ring. But the girlfriend told him she couldn't see being with him the rest of her life. He looked at me and smiled and said "should I sell off my cards?"  Umm...what?! He joked about it a couple times and then came to me and kissed me and said "I think I could handle you".

What the hell?!  I'm not exactly sure what all of this is supposed to mean. Now if you don't tell each other that you them them, which is perfectly fine, why would you make comments like that? He has talked about going back to the state my family is at with me. Am I reading into things? Or is he? 

I don't feel that at this time in my life with everything that is going on (or not going on) that I can fully commit to someone. Aren't you supposed to have your life fully together before you can commit to someone fully? 

My fear of being with someone and committing to them is that I don't want to go back to what I just got away from. To get away from that I will sabotage the relationship that I have just to keep from being oppressed again. Unable to be the free spirit that I once was.  I don't think he would ever try to be oppressive of me but I have felt this before and been wrong. Fear is a strong thing to try and break the bonds of. I faced one fear by letting go of a husband who was toxic. I faced that fear and welcomed the prospect of a life without him. Yet the bonds he created still linger and I struggle daily to release the grip it has on me. Sometimes I feel the grip loosen and it makes things easier. But other days it feels more like an oppressive weight, like octopus tenticles strangling my chest and I can't get them to release.

Did I lose my identity of wife in the divorce.....or did I lose my identity of myself long ago?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

When you get divorced, you lose a part of your identity that you've carried for however long you were together. Sometimes you lose the friends you had together and you have to work to rebuild your identity and your self esteem.  I'm somewhere in there, still lost.  I have spent much of my adult life as a wife and a mother. What I am trying to figure out now is....Just who the hell am I?! I started using the term 'Muse' after someone told me that that is what I am. And quite frankly it seems to be true.

This is what I see a 'muse' as. Someone who brings either success or happiness or both to a person who is lost in what to do. Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually, after being with me they all eventually get what it is that makes them happy. But here's the other part. While helping them discover who they are or what it is that makes them happy...the more I lose a part of myself in them. I have come to terms with being a muse and have learned to embrace it. I have been called a 'life coach', a leprachaun and an angel. I have also been called other things as well but that I will leave for the time being.

Now that I have lost the identity of 'wife' I am left to figure out, for really the first time in years, who I am. What makes me tick, so to speak? What is it that makes me who I am? Do I complain too much? Am I being too bitchy? What do I have to do for myself to try to make me happy?

I have been thinking more and more lately of home. They say 'home is where your heart is' and my heart just isn't here anymore. I enjoy being with them man I am with. It is nice to finally be with someone who wants to do more than just sit around drinking and complaining about everything. But there is also a downside. I put everything I make into the house that more and more is not mine. Money into children who are not mine. It was not originally a relationship, it was just a roomate situation and I enjoyed helping him out. I had such hope at that time that I would be able to work and get going on my own after the divorce.  It's been six months now and nothing wonderful  has happened yet. The job situation absolutely sucks!  I run into people at these temporary jobs who tell me "oh, I didn't work for a year", "oh, it took me a year and a half to find a job".  WHAT?! I have never gone that long without a job and to be working these temporary assignments for this long is really starting to wear me down. How much longer is this going to last?  I'm now seriously considering going back to waitressing just to bring in money on a daily basis just to put money away. 

My feelings about being here are very mixed. On one hand we have talked about things in the long term. But the confusing thing is that we don't say I love you to one another. I wait for him to say it but it never comes and I've always been told to let the man say it first. If they don't feel it they won't say it. So if you don't say you love someone and can't say it, then why talk about things in the long term as though we will continue to be together? Why talk about moving to my home state with me if you can't say it? Many times I would like to say it to him, but other times I am glad that I haven't.

I'm not sure that after only a year (well, not quite a year) since the end of my last marriage, am I ready to say those words to someone else. Those words have brought alot of pain in the past and I don't want to go through that again.  Why would anyone?  I felt as though my ex was the love of my life, that I would never have to be with anyone else and yet at the same time I disliked him. I hated the way that he was.

So the journey of figuring things out for myself continues.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Over the weekend my boyfriend/roomate's oldest daughter came for a visit. This was definitely not a pleasant experience.

When she came the first time it was within a few days after I had moved here. Her immediate dislike of me was very obvious. I'm not sure what it is that makes her hate me but she had a pre-judgement before even arriving. His ex-girlfriend and her are friends. Not a good way to start.

I'm not sure if I'm wrong for thinking this, but shouldn't he have been the one to say something to her?  If you are with someone, and supposedly you love someone, would you really allow your grown adult child to treat that person as though they were nothing more than an intrusion in their life? I know that it's probably not all her fault, I have made every effort to avoid being around her because the dirty looks are not comforting. But the poisonous nasty negativity she spread through the house with the other kids who DO live here was even worse.  It took months for me to get his youngest daughter to trust me. It took almost as long for his 19 year old son to come to me. In two days she totally destroyed all of it. Apparently she told the youngest daughter that she said "Hi" to me and I ignored her. WHEN THE HELL WAS THIS? When she was going out of her way to walk away from me to let the dogs out? When I was at work maybe?? Or maybe it was when she was watching TV with her sister eating ice cream and bitching at the TV? 

I have no idea, but what I do know is that I would never allow my children to do that to the person I was with. But the other thing is, my children have better manners than that. It's fine to dislike someone, it's not ok to disrespect them in their home.

Now, the other hand. As a parent I feel that no matter what, it would always be their home no matter where I am. I also would never ask him to choose between me or his child, no matter how aweful their behavior.

I have been thinking more and more of moving back to the state where all my family is. This was just the final notch that made the decision that much easier.

I have been researching and have been looking at homes and jobs in the area. I think I found the house I want, now for the new job.

If it seems rather quick, it's not. The last few months here have brought more frustration, more unhappiness. I'm tired. Tired of fighting to keep a relationship. Tired of fighting with the ex. Tired of not seeing my family. Tired of trying to keep everything going just to be in a place I'm  not completely happy.

Not being happy is probably the reason for all of my frustration and my attitude of late. I'm normally a very happy person and I can be the life of the party. I smile at everyone no matter what. But when that smile started to wane was when I really started to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was so angry all the time.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Me......hmmmm..........let's try that again.

MEEE............nope, still not happy enough, I can't even fake the shit anymore.

Ok let's face it. I started Project me to try and get out my insecurities, try to figure out just what it is that makes me tick. Kind of like sticking your face in a mirror and popping a zit that came on overnight and you have not a clue how to get rid of it without leaving a mark on your face that won't make everyone look at you in horror.


I think I'm a moderately attractive now 44 year old who has packed on pounds in misery, I live in a state that is 800 miles from any family with a boyfriend who has his own insecurity issues. My ex-husband married the (term used loosely)  he was having an affair with. I moved to be closer to better jobs (that hasn't panned out yet) and my best friend has affairs with 21 year olds. Sound like a mess yet? Yeah it is and while I have continued to maintain my overly enthusiastic zest for life, of late it's getting harder and harder to try to maintain that enthusiasm and at times I would rather run screaming "I WANT MY MOMMYYYYYY".

Ugh....can I trade my life with someone?! I guess that answer would be no because of course with my luck I would get something so much worse.

Here is the good part of my life. I am a moderately attractive 44 year old who looks alot younger than I am. I live in a state 800 miles away from any family. And I have a best friend who sleeps with 21 year olds.

Let's start with husband number 3. Yes, I said three so stop analyzing me until you hear all of it so sit your ass down, get your cup of coffee on the left of you and a cigarette in the right.  I affectionately call him F__ktard. It's been over a year now that I first started to suspect that he was doing something he should be. Well, let's face it. Your man doesn't come home until one in the morning and the only excuse you hear is that he has been out drinking and working late...well...if you're a man don't EVER use this excuse and expect your wife/girlfriend to believe a damn thing you say. Truth is a woman knows what you've been out doing before you've even done it. No, seriously, it's a woman's inherant nature to know when her man is cheating. So anyway, he came home one night (at 1 a.m.) and left his phone on the counter (big mistake, NEVER leave your phone in a place where your spouse has access to your phone if you're trying to hide things. Dumbshit.)  Of course she texted and said something innapropriate for a wife's eyes. I won't repeat what it was. You get the idea. He of course was in the bathroom relieving himself. All that beer don't ya know. I confronted him very calmly I thought. "Why is she texting you 'you @%$ me' at one in the morning?" I thought at this point his urine stream was going to go all over the bathroom. "I don't fucking know!" he yelled.  He zipped up his pants and came out of the bathroom. "she was there while we were drinking."

Ok, this is where the DUH factor comes in. Or, my favorite...."Well no shit Sherlock, but what the hell is she doing texting you this shit at one in the morning!" my voice had raised significantly by that point and I nearly threw his phone at him. It might also be mindfull to say that the woman who was texting him was also the woman he would come home and complain about. The same woman he would come home and tell me that he hated and that she was stupid because she didn't want to work and he was getting completely irritated with her. Ummm...ya!

This wasn't the first affair that he had had or that he had been caught with. But always when I would leave him there would be the constant phone calls, "I love you baby, you're the only one I love" "come back, I need you" ohh, favorite, "I promise if you come back I'll never do anything to hurt you again."

The arguement on this particular night didn't last that long, quite frankly I just didn't have the energy for his denials. I had to work in the morning and I knew that no matter how much he had had to drink that night he would still be up early to go into the office he ran.  How did he get home that night? He always drove home drunk. No matter how much I told him not to, but don't worry, I'll get to that one later.

Here is where my best friend comes in. At this time she wasn't really my best friend yet. She's F__ktards cousin. They used to spend numerous hours on the phone talking and of course she would always hear an earful of just how aweful of a wife he had. She and I had talked briefly on occasion but our communication had stopped long before. We later found out alot about him, just by comparing notes. Imagine that! Women comparing notes! Un-heard of! For the sake of protection I'll call her Sandy. And I'll explain later how 'Sandy' and I became best friends. 'Sandy' had sent F__ktard a text asking if he had got the apartment. Now before anyone decides to jump on their high horse about the fact that I was reading his texts or looking at his phone, let me just say that if you're going to do something you know you shouldn't be doing then fully expect that your spouse is going to get suspicious and that little post on the internet is completely true, a suspicious woman can investigate better than the FBI.

The night that I saw the text from her I saw red. He, of course, had come home at midnight passed out on the couch and didn't move. Have you ever seen a woman pissed off? As my oh so wonderful lying husband lay passed out snoring on the couch I (you can't make this shit up) was like a ninja moving company.

Six a.m. rolled around and the smell of coffee brewing had awaken him. His favorite, that deep dark roast had hit him and the battle between Starbucks and the Sandman was on. I could see it wasn't a hard battle and Starbucks had won, the sandman was done for. I could not stop the curl, on my lips it looked like a sweet smile. Only it was one of those deep dark insidious smiles. I felt like a villain for a moment but I wasn't. I was a woman corrupted by anger and a hurt in my heart that didn't want to stop. I have this gift of expression that I cannot explain, which makes me so good at poker, you can never tell what I'm thinking. I sat at the kitchen table as he rolled off the couch and got up to stumble to the bathroom. he didn't look around at the living room. shhhhh. I smiled, "cup of coffee?" as he walked past me. I got up and poured him a cup of coffee as the stream hit the toilet. It does make a particular sound don't you think? He sat down across from me, the flap of his pajama bottoms opened grotesquely. I remember looking at him and thinking 'here it comes...any minute now... as took his first drink, that smile never leaving my lips as I watched him. Then he looked in the living room and saw. I remember that pleasing moment as he realized that in an instant he was no longer there. Now if you've ever seen Alice in Wonderland, and I don't mean that Johnny Depp crap (don't get me wrong I love the man but so not his best work) the cartoon Cheshire cat, the eye lids that lower and the curve of the lips go up....yes, that was my face. The bookshelf... the cabinet... the tables and chairs...all of his knick knacks we had acquired....all gone! He got up from his chair in a hurry and ran to the bedroom. I could hear him opening and closing the doors and drawers and a calmness settled over me that I was not expecting at all. It was that blissfull moment when you know that you've made the right decision and no matter what happens that calm is like a comforting blanket of security. "What did you do with all my stuff."  I imagine it was at this time that he saw the small duffel bag that was sitting on the bed with all of his toiletry items, and of course a change of clothes. "They're in the back of the truck" It came out very calmly, not a waver in my voice. None of the shaking insecurity that I had so many times before when there was a confrontation with him. This time I did not waver, I did not move. His voice began to escalate and he began shuffling his things around. I thought it almost comical at this point that he kept moving things around in his bag, going back into the bedroom only to see that nothing of his was there. I imagine it to be that moment of realization you might have when you finally see that your lies and secrets have been discovered and things were happening that you did not plan, and yet you're hopeless to stop. It's gone too far. Now I won't say that this is what he felt, that would be giving the man too much credit and I kinew him much better than that. Of course this was about the time the nasty remarks started, and still....I did not move...and the calm smile never left me.

"You'll never make it on your own you know" he managed barb number one. He moved from one room to another gathering nothing but coming back to the bag and shuffling items as though he was looking for something that had been missed.  Believe me, nothing had been missed, because nothing was left. "Where is my wallet?" I pointed to it on the table. "I'm not coming back this time, ya know that right" he said as he grabbed his bag. I said nothing, the smile still there. I simply looked at him. "You're fucking incredible, you know that?" He said this as though it were meant to be an insult. I waited until I heard the slam of the truck. The truck he was given to drive by the owner of the company. The nice new fancy truck for the job that I had talked him into taking. I walked to the door and made sure that it had latched and then promptly locked it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Episode One

"Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E became finalllll todayyyy"

Now had I known when I was growing up that that DAMN Tammy Wynette song would wind up being the theme song for my life, I would have turned if over to Aretha Franklin and her "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" instead. But I guess lesson learned a bit too late of course.

So really....Where do I begin?!

I have started to take a look back at my life as yet another birthday has passed and I look in the mirror and think "what the hell just happened?" Not that I was drunk for the majority of it...well not all of it at least.  (although there were a few of those high moments in there....years ago!) Here I sit at the ripe old age of 44. Yep, I actually made it to 44 and never truly thought I would ever get here, but here I sit. A cigarette burning to my right side and a cup of strong coffee on the left and the beating of rain outside.

So maybe first I should talk about why I'm even writing this in the first place. Well, truth is I really just need to get alot of this off my chest and maybe....just MAYBE someone else is going to be sitting down with a cigarette on their right side and coffee to their left and think "wow, this is really pathetic".  Doubtful that they will see the correlation but at least I'll get it out there.

I've done a lot in my life, quite a bit more than I think the average person has done but I look back now and don't think I did it very well. I met (one of) the President of the United States, traveled (not enough), partied (too much), grew up in an age when parents let their kids stay out late and didn't ask alot of questions about where they were goin, and yes I took risks in life and yep, I'm still here.

In less than six weeks will mark the one year anniversary of the day that was the final ending to marriage number three. I remember the day mainly because it was the day before the 4th of July...not to mention that it was also the day he got arrested for a DUI. And it was the day the last straw broke and I had finally had enough. But it's what happens in a marriage that finally gets you to that point. I will not say I was a perfect wife I don't believe there ever is such a thing as the perfect spouse, but it's how you hold yourself accountable for the things that you do in your marriage, your relationship and in life in general. He was not a good person, not to me at least.

This is where I am going to digress, it wasn't him, nor was it husband number one or even husband number two. This is me, this is my life and right now....I need to change things around and turn them for the better. 

Here I sit, at the age of 44....I have put on way too many pounds and allowed it to get out of hand. I have relocated in an attempt to find a better paying career....(and it hasn't worked so far). I live with my boyfriend and his children (not always the most comfortable place to be), with only debt to my name and an enthusiasm for life that is quickly faltering beyond repair. So as I sit here unable to sleep, pounding away at the keys with my burning cigarette on my right side and my almost cold coffee to the left, I know that a change in life is necessary to get me going forward again. So I guess the first step in me doing to change things about me. And the first thing I will have to change is losing the bitterness that has been my comfort for nearly the last year. That amazing bitter burning in my chest that has kept me angry for so long.  I thought it had kept me determined to prove him wrong, but I think I see now that the only thing it has done is to keep me from moving forward and kept me going in circles instead.

Bare with me, this isn't going to be an easy one. My mouth works before my brain does sometimes and I may slip once in a while with the attitude. It's what's kept me sane and kept people from getting close for so long it's a hard drug to kick. For tonight I think this was maybe a good start. If you don't think so "oh well". Oh wait, was that...ok, it might be harder than I thought.  :D