Episode One

"Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E became finalllll todayyyy"

Now had I known when I was growing up that that DAMN Tammy Wynette song would wind up being the theme song for my life, I would have turned if over to Aretha Franklin and her "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" instead. But I guess lesson learned a bit too late of course.

So really....Where do I begin?!

I have started to take a look back at my life as yet another birthday has passed and I look in the mirror and think "what the hell just happened?" Not that I was drunk for the majority of it...well not all of it at least.  (although there were a few of those high moments in there....years ago!) Here I sit at the ripe old age of 44. Yep, I actually made it to 44 and never truly thought I would ever get here, but here I sit. A cigarette burning to my right side and a cup of strong coffee on the left and the beating of rain outside.

So maybe first I should talk about why I'm even writing this in the first place. Well, truth is I really just need to get alot of this off my chest and maybe....just MAYBE someone else is going to be sitting down with a cigarette on their right side and coffee to their left and think "wow, this is really pathetic".  Doubtful that they will see the correlation but at least I'll get it out there.

I've done a lot in my life, quite a bit more than I think the average person has done but I look back now and don't think I did it very well. I met (one of) the President of the United States, traveled (not enough), partied (too much), grew up in an age when parents let their kids stay out late and didn't ask alot of questions about where they were goin, and yes I took risks in life and yep, I'm still here.

In less than six weeks will mark the one year anniversary of the day that was the final ending to marriage number three. I remember the day mainly because it was the day before the 4th of July...not to mention that it was also the day he got arrested for a DUI. And it was the day the last straw broke and I had finally had enough. But it's what happens in a marriage that finally gets you to that point. I will not say I was a perfect wife I don't believe there ever is such a thing as the perfect spouse, but it's how you hold yourself accountable for the things that you do in your marriage, your relationship and in life in general. He was not a good person, not to me at least.

This is where I am going to digress, it wasn't him, nor was it husband number one or even husband number two. This is me, this is my life and right now....I need to change things around and turn them for the better. 

Here I sit, at the age of 44....I have put on way too many pounds and allowed it to get out of hand. I have relocated in an attempt to find a better paying career....(and it hasn't worked so far). I live with my boyfriend and his children (not always the most comfortable place to be), with only debt to my name and an enthusiasm for life that is quickly faltering beyond repair. So as I sit here unable to sleep, pounding away at the keys with my burning cigarette on my right side and my almost cold coffee to the left, I know that a change in life is necessary to get me going forward again. So I guess the first step in me doing that...is to change things about me. And the first thing I will have to change is losing the bitterness that has been my comfort for nearly the last year. That amazing bitter burning in my chest that has kept me angry for so long.  I thought it had kept me determined to prove him wrong, but I think I see now that the only thing it has done is to keep me from moving forward and kept me going in circles instead.

Bare with me, this isn't going to be an easy one. My mouth works before my brain does sometimes and I may slip once in a while with the attitude. It's what's kept me sane and kept people from getting close for so long it's a hard drug to kick. For tonight I think this was maybe a good start. If you don't think so "oh well". Oh wait, was that...ok, it might be harder than I thought.  :D