Thursday, May 31, 2012

Over the weekend my boyfriend/roomate's oldest daughter came for a visit. This was definitely not a pleasant experience.

When she came the first time it was within a few days after I had moved here. Her immediate dislike of me was very obvious. I'm not sure what it is that makes her hate me but she had a pre-judgement before even arriving. His ex-girlfriend and her are friends. Not a good way to start.

I'm not sure if I'm wrong for thinking this, but shouldn't he have been the one to say something to her?  If you are with someone, and supposedly you love someone, would you really allow your grown adult child to treat that person as though they were nothing more than an intrusion in their life? I know that it's probably not all her fault, I have made every effort to avoid being around her because the dirty looks are not comforting. But the poisonous nasty negativity she spread through the house with the other kids who DO live here was even worse.  It took months for me to get his youngest daughter to trust me. It took almost as long for his 19 year old son to come to me. In two days she totally destroyed all of it. Apparently she told the youngest daughter that she said "Hi" to me and I ignored her. WHEN THE HELL WAS THIS? When she was going out of her way to walk away from me to let the dogs out? When I was at work maybe?? Or maybe it was when she was watching TV with her sister eating ice cream and bitching at the TV? 

I have no idea, but what I do know is that I would never allow my children to do that to the person I was with. But the other thing is, my children have better manners than that. It's fine to dislike someone, it's not ok to disrespect them in their home.

Now, the other hand. As a parent I feel that no matter what, it would always be their home no matter where I am. I also would never ask him to choose between me or his child, no matter how aweful their behavior.

I have been thinking more and more of moving back to the state where all my family is. This was just the final notch that made the decision that much easier.

I have been researching and have been looking at homes and jobs in the area. I think I found the house I want, now for the new job.

If it seems rather quick, it's not. The last few months here have brought more frustration, more unhappiness. I'm tired. Tired of fighting to keep a relationship. Tired of fighting with the ex. Tired of not seeing my family. Tired of trying to keep everything going just to be in a place I'm  not completely happy.

Not being happy is probably the reason for all of my frustration and my attitude of late. I'm normally a very happy person and I can be the life of the party. I smile at everyone no matter what. But when that smile started to wane was when I really started to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was so angry all the time.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Me......hmmmm..........let's try that again.

MEEE............nope, still not happy enough, I can't even fake the shit anymore.

Ok let's face it. I started Project me to try and get out my insecurities, try to figure out just what it is that makes me tick. Kind of like sticking your face in a mirror and popping a zit that came on overnight and you have not a clue how to get rid of it without leaving a mark on your face that won't make everyone look at you in horror.


I think I'm a moderately attractive now 44 year old who has packed on pounds in misery, I live in a state that is 800 miles from any family with a boyfriend who has his own insecurity issues. My ex-husband married the (term used loosely)  he was having an affair with. I moved to be closer to better jobs (that hasn't panned out yet) and my best friend has affairs with 21 year olds. Sound like a mess yet? Yeah it is and while I have continued to maintain my overly enthusiastic zest for life, of late it's getting harder and harder to try to maintain that enthusiasm and at times I would rather run screaming "I WANT MY MOMMYYYYYY".

Ugh....can I trade my life with someone?! I guess that answer would be no because of course with my luck I would get something so much worse.

Here is the good part of my life. I am a moderately attractive 44 year old who looks alot younger than I am. I live in a state 800 miles away from any family. And I have a best friend who sleeps with 21 year olds.

Let's start with husband number 3. Yes, I said three so stop analyzing me until you hear all of it so sit your ass down, get your cup of coffee on the left of you and a cigarette in the right.  I affectionately call him F__ktard. It's been over a year now that I first started to suspect that he was doing something he should be. Well, let's face it. Your man doesn't come home until one in the morning and the only excuse you hear is that he has been out drinking and working late...well...if you're a man don't EVER use this excuse and expect your wife/girlfriend to believe a damn thing you say. Truth is a woman knows what you've been out doing before you've even done it. No, seriously, it's a woman's inherant nature to know when her man is cheating. So anyway, he came home one night (at 1 a.m.) and left his phone on the counter (big mistake, NEVER leave your phone in a place where your spouse has access to your phone if you're trying to hide things. Dumbshit.)  Of course she texted and said something innapropriate for a wife's eyes. I won't repeat what it was. You get the idea. He of course was in the bathroom relieving himself. All that beer don't ya know. I confronted him very calmly I thought. "Why is she texting you 'you @%$ me' at one in the morning?" I thought at this point his urine stream was going to go all over the bathroom. "I don't fucking know!" he yelled.  He zipped up his pants and came out of the bathroom. "she was there while we were drinking."

Ok, this is where the DUH factor comes in. Or, my favorite...."Well no shit Sherlock, but what the hell is she doing texting you this shit at one in the morning!" my voice had raised significantly by that point and I nearly threw his phone at him. It might also be mindfull to say that the woman who was texting him was also the woman he would come home and complain about. The same woman he would come home and tell me that he hated and that she was stupid because she didn't want to work and he was getting completely irritated with her. Ummm...ya!

This wasn't the first affair that he had had or that he had been caught with. But always when I would leave him there would be the constant phone calls, "I love you baby, you're the only one I love" "come back, I need you" ohh, favorite, "I promise if you come back I'll never do anything to hurt you again."

The arguement on this particular night didn't last that long, quite frankly I just didn't have the energy for his denials. I had to work in the morning and I knew that no matter how much he had had to drink that night he would still be up early to go into the office he ran.  How did he get home that night? He always drove home drunk. No matter how much I told him not to, but don't worry, I'll get to that one later.

Here is where my best friend comes in. At this time she wasn't really my best friend yet. She's F__ktards cousin. They used to spend numerous hours on the phone talking and of course she would always hear an earful of just how aweful of a wife he had. She and I had talked briefly on occasion but our communication had stopped long before. We later found out alot about him, just by comparing notes. Imagine that! Women comparing notes! Un-heard of! For the sake of protection I'll call her Sandy. And I'll explain later how 'Sandy' and I became best friends. 'Sandy' had sent F__ktard a text asking if he had got the apartment. Now before anyone decides to jump on their high horse about the fact that I was reading his texts or looking at his phone, let me just say that if you're going to do something you know you shouldn't be doing then fully expect that your spouse is going to get suspicious and that little post on the internet is completely true, a suspicious woman can investigate better than the FBI.

The night that I saw the text from her I saw red. He, of course, had come home at midnight passed out on the couch and didn't move. Have you ever seen a woman pissed off? As my oh so wonderful lying husband lay passed out snoring on the couch I (you can't make this shit up) was like a ninja moving company.

Six a.m. rolled around and the smell of coffee brewing had awaken him. His favorite, that deep dark roast had hit him and the battle between Starbucks and the Sandman was on. I could see it wasn't a hard battle and Starbucks had won, the sandman was done for. I could not stop the curl, on my lips it looked like a sweet smile. Only it was one of those deep dark insidious smiles. I felt like a villain for a moment but I wasn't. I was a woman corrupted by anger and a hurt in my heart that didn't want to stop. I have this gift of expression that I cannot explain, which makes me so good at poker, you can never tell what I'm thinking. I sat at the kitchen table as he rolled off the couch and got up to stumble to the bathroom. he didn't look around at the living room. shhhhh. I smiled, "cup of coffee?" as he walked past me. I got up and poured him a cup of coffee as the stream hit the toilet. It does make a particular sound don't you think? He sat down across from me, the flap of his pajama bottoms opened grotesquely. I remember looking at him and thinking 'here it comes...any minute now... as took his first drink, that smile never leaving my lips as I watched him. Then he looked in the living room and saw. I remember that pleasing moment as he realized that in an instant he was no longer there. Now if you've ever seen Alice in Wonderland, and I don't mean that Johnny Depp crap (don't get me wrong I love the man but so not his best work) the cartoon Cheshire cat, the eye lids that lower and the curve of the lips go up....yes, that was my face. The bookshelf... the cabinet... the tables and chairs...all of his knick knacks we had acquired....all gone! He got up from his chair in a hurry and ran to the bedroom. I could hear him opening and closing the doors and drawers and a calmness settled over me that I was not expecting at all. It was that blissfull moment when you know that you've made the right decision and no matter what happens that calm is like a comforting blanket of security. "What did you do with all my stuff."  I imagine it was at this time that he saw the small duffel bag that was sitting on the bed with all of his toiletry items, and of course a change of clothes. "They're in the back of the truck" It came out very calmly, not a waver in my voice. None of the shaking insecurity that I had so many times before when there was a confrontation with him. This time I did not waver, I did not move. His voice began to escalate and he began shuffling his things around. I thought it almost comical at this point that he kept moving things around in his bag, going back into the bedroom only to see that nothing of his was there. I imagine it to be that moment of realization you might have when you finally see that your lies and secrets have been discovered and things were happening that you did not plan, and yet you're hopeless to stop. It's gone too far. Now I won't say that this is what he felt, that would be giving the man too much credit and I kinew him much better than that. Of course this was about the time the nasty remarks started, and still....I did not move...and the calm smile never left me.

"You'll never make it on your own you know" he managed barb number one. He moved from one room to another gathering nothing but coming back to the bag and shuffling items as though he was looking for something that had been missed.  Believe me, nothing had been missed, because nothing was left. "Where is my wallet?" I pointed to it on the table. "I'm not coming back this time, ya know that right" he said as he grabbed his bag. I said nothing, the smile still there. I simply looked at him. "You're fucking incredible, you know that?" He said this as though it were meant to be an insult. I waited until I heard the slam of the truck. The truck he was given to drive by the owner of the company. The nice new fancy truck for the job that I had talked him into taking. I walked to the door and made sure that it had latched and then promptly locked it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Episode One

"Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E became finalllll todayyyy"

Now had I known when I was growing up that that DAMN Tammy Wynette song would wind up being the theme song for my life, I would have turned if over to Aretha Franklin and her "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" instead. But I guess lesson learned a bit too late of course.

So really....Where do I begin?!

I have started to take a look back at my life as yet another birthday has passed and I look in the mirror and think "what the hell just happened?" Not that I was drunk for the majority of it...well not all of it at least.  (although there were a few of those high moments in there....years ago!) Here I sit at the ripe old age of 44. Yep, I actually made it to 44 and never truly thought I would ever get here, but here I sit. A cigarette burning to my right side and a cup of strong coffee on the left and the beating of rain outside.

So maybe first I should talk about why I'm even writing this in the first place. Well, truth is I really just need to get alot of this off my chest and maybe....just MAYBE someone else is going to be sitting down with a cigarette on their right side and coffee to their left and think "wow, this is really pathetic".  Doubtful that they will see the correlation but at least I'll get it out there.

I've done a lot in my life, quite a bit more than I think the average person has done but I look back now and don't think I did it very well. I met (one of) the President of the United States, traveled (not enough), partied (too much), grew up in an age when parents let their kids stay out late and didn't ask alot of questions about where they were goin, and yes I took risks in life and yep, I'm still here.

In less than six weeks will mark the one year anniversary of the day that was the final ending to marriage number three. I remember the day mainly because it was the day before the 4th of July...not to mention that it was also the day he got arrested for a DUI. And it was the day the last straw broke and I had finally had enough. But it's what happens in a marriage that finally gets you to that point. I will not say I was a perfect wife I don't believe there ever is such a thing as the perfect spouse, but it's how you hold yourself accountable for the things that you do in your marriage, your relationship and in life in general. He was not a good person, not to me at least.

This is where I am going to digress, it wasn't him, nor was it husband number one or even husband number two. This is me, this is my life and right now....I need to change things around and turn them for the better. 

Here I sit, at the age of 44....I have put on way too many pounds and allowed it to get out of hand. I have relocated in an attempt to find a better paying career....(and it hasn't worked so far). I live with my boyfriend and his children (not always the most comfortable place to be), with only debt to my name and an enthusiasm for life that is quickly faltering beyond repair. So as I sit here unable to sleep, pounding away at the keys with my burning cigarette on my right side and my almost cold coffee to the left, I know that a change in life is necessary to get me going forward again. So I guess the first step in me doing to change things about me. And the first thing I will have to change is losing the bitterness that has been my comfort for nearly the last year. That amazing bitter burning in my chest that has kept me angry for so long.  I thought it had kept me determined to prove him wrong, but I think I see now that the only thing it has done is to keep me from moving forward and kept me going in circles instead.

Bare with me, this isn't going to be an easy one. My mouth works before my brain does sometimes and I may slip once in a while with the attitude. It's what's kept me sane and kept people from getting close for so long it's a hard drug to kick. For tonight I think this was maybe a good start. If you don't think so "oh well". Oh wait, was that...ok, it might be harder than I thought.  :D