Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I want to scream damn it! Yet another interview, between me and one other and I STILL CAN'T GET A DAMN JOB.

F___tards voice has been in my head today and I started to cry a little. I listened to that bastard for years telling me that I was useless and worthless. That I would never be able to make it without him and I have a complete loathing for him and that damn voice constantly telling me that and right now I'm angry with myself for letting it get to me yet again. Not yet a year, not yet that one year mark of him leaving for the last time.  Not yet one year of the divorce being finalized.  Am I being tested? Yet another of those stupid silly tests to see how far I can be pushed until I break?

Or maybe it's a test to see how far I will go without standing up for myself again.

I have started businesses and yet I can't seem to get that confidence back to even try anything again.  I want to move to be closer to my family but that can't happen if I don't have the money yet to do it. I can't get the money if I don't have work.  What am I going to do once I get there? Go through the same thing? I need to try and figure out how to fix this so I can get moving again and it's just not there yet. Lose weight? Die my hair? Change my name? That may be a thought but it's not going to change the person that I am inside.  The one who is afraid to start all over again and keep going forward.  So I think the confidence started slipping when I didn't get the full-time position I had applied for a few months back.  It seemed that the only ones that they wanted to hire were the young perky girls who they thought would be brainless enough to become a drone.  If you sense bitterness than you may be correct. 

I truly do believe that things happen for a reason but what I don't know just yet is what exactly is the reason for not letting me get a job right now? Is there some divine plan for something better? Or is this simply a sign telling me that this is not the place that I'm supposed to be?  I haven't quite figured out what this is supposed to be telling me but just to be on the safe side I bought a lotto ticket just in case it's telling me that I'm supposed to win a boatload of cash and I wasn't supposed to commit myself to a long term assignment. Whatever the reason I don't think it was the lotto but better to be safe than sorry.

I've been hearing his voice and I want to squish him like a tick.  Something has to work out so I can get out of here and move closer to my family.  I want to own my own house again.  I want to be able to see my kids more, my brothers and their wives more, my cousins. 

I wish I could get out of this whiney ass place that I am at and just get over this and move on toward the things that I want.

I wish I had the confidence to actually list my furniture pieces I'm doing for sale on the internet but it's not happening yet.  If I had the money to move I would do it in a minute.

It's been a few days since I've talked to 'Karen' and the last that we talked she had to get papers into the bank so they could look at refinancing so she wouldn't lose her house.  Now if ever there was anyone that was lost and confused I think it would be her.  Her husband left almost three years ago after cheating with a woman and yet their divorce is still not yet done and over.  She's like a ghost caught in limbo not sure where the light is and no idea how to go forward. Five young kids at home, no job and trying to complete school but can't quite get it together to get it done.  And now the possibility of cancer as her initial tests came back positive.  I feel for her, and yet at the same time I feel unsure of how to help her with what she needs.  While I was working I would help by sending care packages of clothes for the kids but I haven't been able to help with anything lately.  I try and support her by listening but I feel awful that right now that's all that I can do. 

This is a woman who has at my lowest times been able to pull me out of it and make me laugh at myself and the things going on.  She was the one who told me about my husbands affairs, and the reason I finally made that decision to end things.

When she and I started talking again I had sent her a text and asked her if he wanted a divorce or not. I couldn't get an answer out of him so why not ask the one person I knew that he would confide in.  Now imagine talking to your own blood relative and having him tell you that he was already seperated and had bought a house only to have his wife who was still with him text you out of the blue and ask a question like that.  We came to find out by comparing that he had not only told her that we were seperated, but that I was supposedly living with him so that he could 'help me out'.  He had not only the girlfriend he was having an affair with in the office, but also the woman he had had an affair with nearly two years prior who was released from prison on a drug charge. 

Sound like a peach of a man yet?  It gets better. 

Karen also informed me that he had told her about the affair he had on our wedding night. My friend had come to stay with us just before the wedding and apparently on our wedding night she gave him a present he would never forget.  So this man that I had loved so deeply had had numerous affairs, treated me like I was nothing and now married to the woman he was having an affair with has now become the problem of someone else.  I hope his new wife knows all the things he used to say about her.  Better yet, I hope she doesn't figure it out until he's destroyed her life.

Not bitterness, just hoping a bit of kharma comes up and bites them both.

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