The job search. Oh what a lovely time to go out finding a job! I'm trying to psych myself because I think I've lost confidence in myself.  Before, I used to be able to set up interviews in one day and by the end of the day have my choice of positions. However, since coming here to this state, my work history has been spotty.

When I first came here I had interviews all lined up and had been trying to find a job but I had savings, money in my pocket, a car and it took me a month to find a job. I had confidence. 

The control my ex had over me took a little bit of time but it happened so slowly and I saw the warnings but I ignored them.  It started with just the occasional "you shouldn't be doing that" until it finally turned into "if you do that we're done".  He made a significant amount of money, but he also liked to spend money on gambling, and, as I found out later, on women as well.  If I worked, he didn't like it because I wasn't cleaning as much. If I didn't work then I was nothing but a lazy slut. When you have to deal with so much contradiction you aren't sure what to think.

It's time to get my confidence back. Time for me to get moving and finally do the things that I want to do and be able to make an income.  Maybe this is just a sign that I need to find my own way.  How do I get my confidence back?  How do I start to be happy and see just who I am? 

Things I like to do.  I like to take something that looks like junk and give it a new life. So far I've only done this in my own home.  Giving a table or a shelf a new life with a can of spray paint.  I love looking at houses. To see the architecture, the decor, what a person has done with their home or what they could do to their home.  I used to do artwork on my own.  Some of it wasn't bad. Of course I used to write a little bit but we can see how that went. I need more practice to get my writing from this disjointed collection of thoughts into something more understandable.  I hope it won't take a lot of time. My college creative writing teacher loved my style of writing and I always got A's.  He would be so ashamed of me now.

My second husband and I started two businesses. They were not extremely profitable, but they were able to help us maintain what we had. Two houses, two new cars and the things that we wanted to do. But then came the bombing of the twin towers and our fragile finance world crashed. I remember crying the day I saw it on TV and all the loss of life.  What I didn't realize at the time was what it would mean as far as our finances. I apologize if that sounds selfish, but it affected everyone. I was working at home at the time, not only were we running our businesses but I worked at home doing transcription for a medical company.  I worked constantly, many times until one or two in the morning.

So why, with as much as I have done in my life, and the confidence that I once had in myself and the love of life that I carry, am I not able to get myself up and motivated to do so much more in my life?  I cannot blame my last husband any longer for the things that he did, I allowed it to happen.  I did not see what was happening until it was much too late. People who knew him, even his own mother, warned me that he would wind up leaving and doing this to me.  Everyone else saw, and yet I still ignored it all because I loved him. 

I can sit here and say that I will never allow another man to take over my life in such a way again. I will stand up for myself and speak out if I don't believe that things are going the way that they should.


I pour my heart out here and yet I read it and it doesn't seem like me at all.  I am a funny person and a joy to be with, and yet the person I see here after writing all of this, I do not know.  She is weak and needs to get a life.  So maybe I need to get to know her better and show her how to change her life to the better.