Sunday, June 3, 2012

I moved to this state almost 9 years ago and it strikes me that this is really the first time that I am seeing much of it and the things it has to offer for leisure. Yesterday he took me to a brewery tour which was the first time that I had been.  I was amazed at the history of beer making and the fact that they give you free beer at the end of the tour of the facility. I'm a budlight girl. Have to admit that I like the mild taste of it as I'm not much of a drinker. But I opended my taste buds to a different brand and was amazed that I actually liked the pungent tastes of hoppes. Free buzz....Wine tasting next??

There is quite alot to do here, that I was not allowed to do.  It may seem amazing that I would allow someone to take over so much of my life but over time it just seems to happen and you don't realize that it has happened or how much their words affect you. Hearing so many negative things said to me for so long had a profound affect. My ex had me believing that I could do nothing without him. That I would never be able to make it on my own without him. I still have yet to prove to myself all that I am worth. I struggle with this all the time.

No one ever really wants to understand why a woman would stay with someone who would treat her so poorly and yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes they are the oppressors or the oppressed and don't even see that it is happening to them. I did not see that I was the woman that was becoming caged. I had always been very headstrong and had always done things the way that I wanted.  If I was afraid of something I would face it and learn more about it and just do it.  A fear of snowboarding, I did it. I was afraid of driving near semi's, I can probably tell you more about semi's now than most would know.  Walking away from someone was always easy and yet here I was, the wife, the mother and the housekeeper too afraid to go anywhere on my own. This was a change for me. Never before had I ever been afraid to go out on my own to even have a drink alone, to eat alone or to go to a movie alone.

How did it happen? I was taken away from my friends, my family and my life. I used to walk daily, exercise constantly and eat the right things. Complete opposite today.

I used to have confidence in myself and what I could do. The exact opposite is true today.

Where do I begin and how do I start to unlearn the things I have done for so many years? How do I get back to the confident person I used to be without trying to fake it. To truly know the person I am. Do I use that time in my life as an experience? A building block to make me a better person? Or do I simply chip away at it and dispose of it in the rubble?  Yet another thing to struggle with.

When we finally got home we were both exhausted. I like the fact the for once in my life I am with someone who enjoys cooking and has no qualms about being the first one to cook. It's a change from being with men who fully expect that it is a womans job to cook and clean and do everything.  It may be the stereotypical norm that it is a womans duty to cook and clean and make everything nice, but why the hell does it have to be like that??  Women need to raise our sons to believe something entirely different, we need to help raise our sons past the norms of the past. They need to be able to pick up the slack and be a partner not an observer in a relationship. I wonder if maybe this is why so many marriages begin to fail as women expect men to be the partner and men are not quite there yet.

I enjoy him being able to pick up some of the slack and I don't even have to ask. But I'm confused by him as well.  We do not say the 'L' word to one another other than in the occasional friendship vernacular. Yet last night came a couple comments I am confused by. 

He was on the computer and read an article about some guy who had sold off his baseball card collection to get his girlfriend a ring. But the girlfriend told him she couldn't see being with him the rest of her life. He looked at me and smiled and said "should I sell off my cards?"  Umm...what?! He joked about it a couple times and then came to me and kissed me and said "I think I could handle you".

What the hell?!  I'm not exactly sure what all of this is supposed to mean. Now if you don't tell each other that you them them, which is perfectly fine, why would you make comments like that? He has talked about going back to the state my family is at with me. Am I reading into things? Or is he? 

I don't feel that at this time in my life with everything that is going on (or not going on) that I can fully commit to someone. Aren't you supposed to have your life fully together before you can commit to someone fully? 

My fear of being with someone and committing to them is that I don't want to go back to what I just got away from. To get away from that I will sabotage the relationship that I have just to keep from being oppressed again. Unable to be the free spirit that I once was.  I don't think he would ever try to be oppressive of me but I have felt this before and been wrong. Fear is a strong thing to try and break the bonds of. I faced one fear by letting go of a husband who was toxic. I faced that fear and welcomed the prospect of a life without him. Yet the bonds he created still linger and I struggle daily to release the grip it has on me. Sometimes I feel the grip loosen and it makes things easier. But other days it feels more like an oppressive weight, like octopus tenticles strangling my chest and I can't get them to release.

Did I lose my identity of wife in the divorce.....or did I lose my identity of myself long ago?

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