Friday, June 15, 2012

I heard something I am really starting to think about it.

If I changed one thing today, where would I be tomorrow?

Today I changed just one thing, what I ate for breakfast. Instead of the same old bowl of cereal I had oatmeal instead. One start, one change and it may not make much of a difference tomorrow, but what if it makes a difference later. Not just breakfast of course, but what if I finally geet myself under control and start doing what I used to do before? Will I finally get back to where I was then?

I talked to my friend Karen the other day.  If she can continue to smile or laugh then I think I can.  Not only is she trying to save her house from foreclosure, had to give up school (which she is on her last term) she has the medical issues going on after just finding out that she may have cancer.  She was on her way to a full day of doctor appointments the other day.  Now she is on all kinds of medication right now. She has hypertension, her nerves are shot from all the stress and raising five kids on her own, finding out she may have cancer as her initial tests came out positive, and she may possibly have parkinsons which they haven't yet tested for but she shakes uncontrollably at times.  On her way to her appointments that day (at 9 am mind you) she was stopped by an officer because she had a headlight on her van that was duct taped in because a couple months before she had hit a deer and was unable to get it fixed.  She did however check with a state trooper who told her that it did meet the state legal requirements for the headlight. 

The trooper that stopped her that day told her that she was being stopped for having a headlight out. Of course she was shaking uncontrollably that morning.  He saw this and had asked her about it and she of course was very honest about everything and told him the medications she had taken that morning and that she was on her way to a full day of doctor appointments.  He, of course, thought she was on illegal drugs and arrested her.  He gave her a sobriety test to which she of course did questionably. Well no shit, she shakes sometimes to the point of needing two hands just to take a drink.  She was not however driving erratically, swerving or anything of the sort that would cause him to think that she was intoxicated, it was because of the headlight. 

She was arrested because she did "questionably" on the sobriety test because she was shaking uncontrollably.  He questioned her at length about taking illegal drugs intreveniously as well as illegal drugs to which she told him emphatically NO, she gave him all of her prescription bottles for what she was prescribed to take.

She did submit willingly to the blood test that was required and was actually very calm, pleasant and lucid with the officer that took her in. To a certain point I understand his suspicion, I do have several relatives in law enforcement.  What I do not understand is that she provided all information to the officer, she was not violent, she did not cause a problem and was very upfront about her medical condition and the fact that she was on her way to a full day of appointments.  The doctors offices were very well aware of her condition.  Why would they place her on a four hour hold that was completely unnecessary simply because she was shaking?

A single mother raising five children, unable to find a job, her home in danger of being lost which could possibly lead to the loss of her children as she would be unable to provide a roof over their head and the possibility of cancer and other medical problems.  She has even gone so far as to check with family members who would be able to take her children should something happen to her.  She talked jovially to the officer about all of this.  Not only did he give her a fix-it ticket for the headlight, he charged her with a DUI, gave her a ticket for driving irratically and then to add insult to everything they held her from 9:30 a.m until 6 pm at night simply because they thought she was on illegal drugs because she couldn't stop shaking! And by the time she was released she was shaking even worse than before! She was released and had to walk WELL OVER AN HOUR TO GET A RIDE BACK TO HER VAN. 

What type of training are the officers in Tennessee given that this type of treatment is given?  I am both upset and completely appalled that no reason for this treatment other than the fact that she was shaking uncontrollably which she explained and even a quick call to her physicians office would have been sufficient to allay any fears they had that she was under the influence. 

With everything that she is dealing with she also missed all of her appointments for that day. The mamogram to check for cancer, the appointment to find out why she has blood in her urine that is getting worse.  She missed the further testing that would be required to determine the cancer and if it is benign or if she has to worry about going through all kinds of chemotherapy. 

She was honest about all of it. She informed them of everything. She told them everything she had taken that morning.  They treated her like a criminal.  She now has to wait another two months for the test results to come back to prove that what she told them was the truth.  Two months with a DUI hanging over her head.  Two months of having to worry that they will take it further and call protective services.

Is this really how people in law enforcement are taught? That every single person is to be suspected of illegal drug use? That after all the searches and finding absolutely nothing and no reason to suspect anything further that people are still treated to this type of abuse of privilege and power? 

I do understand that there are people out there that are doing drugs and no, I do not want those people on the road.  But there should be a certain amount of common sense.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I want to scream damn it! Yet another interview, between me and one other and I STILL CAN'T GET A DAMN JOB.

F___tards voice has been in my head today and I started to cry a little. I listened to that bastard for years telling me that I was useless and worthless. That I would never be able to make it without him and I have a complete loathing for him and that damn voice constantly telling me that and right now I'm angry with myself for letting it get to me yet again. Not yet a year, not yet that one year mark of him leaving for the last time.  Not yet one year of the divorce being finalized.  Am I being tested? Yet another of those stupid silly tests to see how far I can be pushed until I break?

Or maybe it's a test to see how far I will go without standing up for myself again.

I have started businesses and yet I can't seem to get that confidence back to even try anything again.  I want to move to be closer to my family but that can't happen if I don't have the money yet to do it. I can't get the money if I don't have work.  What am I going to do once I get there? Go through the same thing? I need to try and figure out how to fix this so I can get moving again and it's just not there yet. Lose weight? Die my hair? Change my name? That may be a thought but it's not going to change the person that I am inside.  The one who is afraid to start all over again and keep going forward.  So I think the confidence started slipping when I didn't get the full-time position I had applied for a few months back.  It seemed that the only ones that they wanted to hire were the young perky girls who they thought would be brainless enough to become a drone.  If you sense bitterness than you may be correct. 

I truly do believe that things happen for a reason but what I don't know just yet is what exactly is the reason for not letting me get a job right now? Is there some divine plan for something better? Or is this simply a sign telling me that this is not the place that I'm supposed to be?  I haven't quite figured out what this is supposed to be telling me but just to be on the safe side I bought a lotto ticket just in case it's telling me that I'm supposed to win a boatload of cash and I wasn't supposed to commit myself to a long term assignment. Whatever the reason I don't think it was the lotto but better to be safe than sorry.

I've been hearing his voice and I want to squish him like a tick.  Something has to work out so I can get out of here and move closer to my family.  I want to own my own house again.  I want to be able to see my kids more, my brothers and their wives more, my cousins. 

I wish I could get out of this whiney ass place that I am at and just get over this and move on toward the things that I want.

I wish I had the confidence to actually list my furniture pieces I'm doing for sale on the internet but it's not happening yet.  If I had the money to move I would do it in a minute.

It's been a few days since I've talked to 'Karen' and the last that we talked she had to get papers into the bank so they could look at refinancing so she wouldn't lose her house.  Now if ever there was anyone that was lost and confused I think it would be her.  Her husband left almost three years ago after cheating with a woman and yet their divorce is still not yet done and over.  She's like a ghost caught in limbo not sure where the light is and no idea how to go forward. Five young kids at home, no job and trying to complete school but can't quite get it together to get it done.  And now the possibility of cancer as her initial tests came back positive.  I feel for her, and yet at the same time I feel unsure of how to help her with what she needs.  While I was working I would help by sending care packages of clothes for the kids but I haven't been able to help with anything lately.  I try and support her by listening but I feel awful that right now that's all that I can do. 

This is a woman who has at my lowest times been able to pull me out of it and make me laugh at myself and the things going on.  She was the one who told me about my husbands affairs, and the reason I finally made that decision to end things.

When she and I started talking again I had sent her a text and asked her if he wanted a divorce or not. I couldn't get an answer out of him so why not ask the one person I knew that he would confide in.  Now imagine talking to your own blood relative and having him tell you that he was already seperated and had bought a house only to have his wife who was still with him text you out of the blue and ask a question like that.  We came to find out by comparing that he had not only told her that we were seperated, but that I was supposedly living with him so that he could 'help me out'.  He had not only the girlfriend he was having an affair with in the office, but also the woman he had had an affair with nearly two years prior who was released from prison on a drug charge. 

Sound like a peach of a man yet?  It gets better. 

Karen also informed me that he had told her about the affair he had on our wedding night. My friend had come to stay with us just before the wedding and apparently on our wedding night she gave him a present he would never forget.  So this man that I had loved so deeply had had numerous affairs, treated me like I was nothing and now married to the woman he was having an affair with has now become the problem of someone else.  I hope his new wife knows all the things he used to say about her.  Better yet, I hope she doesn't figure it out until he's destroyed her life.

Not bitterness, just hoping a bit of kharma comes up and bites them both.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Since our talk last week, things have been extremely busy this week.  Ok, CHAOTIC would be more like it. 

Summer vacation started and his son did finally start a new job that he got through the school.  I'm very proud of him for starting to take the initiative to get out there and actually want to do something. I had him start a journal of what he did throughout the day and put him on a limit for computer time. He has been beginning to follow it, although he gets mad at me for insisting on putting limits on him, he has been able to adjust.  His autism pushes him to be in his own little world, but I can push back just as hard.  He has begun to find that pride in his accomplishments that I so hoped he would have.

His youngest daughter started summer vacation by going to a friends. Only this quickly turned into something that caused a problem.  Before leaving to go to her friends house she had asked for a pool pass that would cost $20.  Ok, not a big deal, we said that we would get it for her. She left before we could get it to her. Instead of coming to us before leaving to get it, she went to his ex-girlfriend and apparently told her that we could pay it or didn't want to pay it and the nasty text messages from his ex began. Point one, she is not her child. Two, she had no business sticking her nose into any of it. Three, how in the hell does a 15 year old become that manipulative that she will do or say anything just to get what she wants?!

I am completely aggravated by her behavior and I'm ashamed to say that I'm actually relieved that she is not here.  Trying to get my boyfriend to gain his confidence back as a parent and a partner has been a struggle at times but for the first time I heard him stand up for himself and he laid into the ex for her intrusion. 

I've seen, in the last few weeks, a calmness start to settle over him and he doesn't let the little things bother him as much as they once did.  This is a definite improvement.

As for me.  My oldest son and his wife left to move to Georgia.  Apparently he left on bad terms after an arguement with my brother. To say that this week has been full of children drama would be an understatement.  My youngest son is leaving for Alaska for a school trip soon and my vivacious daughter is coming to see me for a bit this summer as I get prepared to move closer to her. 

I have an interview today for a temporary position.  It's all I'm looking for at the time being to get ready to leave.  I have started looking for work and a place.  I am still currently working on my confidence in myself that I can do all of this and keep my sanity in place. That is if I still have any left. 

I have also started to do some of what I enjoy doing, making old furniture into something new.  Not that I have done anything other than start to re-do the furniture, I'm not sure I'm ready to list my work for sale but as I do more maybe I will.  I just have to get to that point.

I feel my life at a standstill and I'm still trying to figure out how to get it to move forward. Am I really at the point in my life where this is all that there is left? Where did the joy in my life escape to? I feel numb to much of what is going on around me. Whether this is partly to do with the insomnia or if this is what is causing it.  The question right now is,  how do I get it back?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I get so damn tired of logging into facebook and people post these pictures of women who have nearly perfect bodies and yet they have things like "too fat", "too big" written on themselves and people saying "like" if you don't like your body and these teenage girls who like it. Who the hell ever said that someone else has the right to tell anyone else what their body should or shouldn't look like.  And how the hell would some teenage boy barely out of puberty know anything about what a womans body should or shouldn't look like.  Just because he see's it in magazines or on tv he thinks he knows?!

I am infuriated by lowlife wanna be's  who continually do things to lower another persons self esteem by telling them how they should or shouldn't look. It is your own body and no one else's.  I will wear my tattoos because it is my body.  I will show my scars proudly because I EARNED them. Every stretchmark, every wrinkle, every gray hair. If I have issues with my body it is my own, it is NOT for someone else to tell me how I should or shouldn't look. 

You are an individual, you are NOT like everyone else and NO ONE has the right to tell you any different.  I may not be beautiful by your standards but I am proud of who I am.

Oh, and just for those 'little boys' who think they have the right to say it, someday a woman is going to judge the size of your penis, and you have no control over that either so think about it before you open your mouth again.

This is my rant for the day.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The job search. Oh what a lovely time to go out finding a job! I'm trying to psych myself because I think I've lost confidence in myself.  Before, I used to be able to set up interviews in one day and by the end of the day have my choice of positions. However, since coming here to this state, my work history has been spotty.

When I first came here I had interviews all lined up and had been trying to find a job but I had savings, money in my pocket, a car and it took me a month to find a job. I had confidence. 

The control my ex had over me took a little bit of time but it happened so slowly and I saw the warnings but I ignored them.  It started with just the occasional "you shouldn't be doing that" until it finally turned into "if you do that we're done".  He made a significant amount of money, but he also liked to spend money on gambling, and, as I found out later, on women as well.  If I worked, he didn't like it because I wasn't cleaning as much. If I didn't work then I was nothing but a lazy slut. When you have to deal with so much contradiction you aren't sure what to think.

It's time to get my confidence back. Time for me to get moving and finally do the things that I want to do and be able to make an income.  Maybe this is just a sign that I need to find my own way.  How do I get my confidence back?  How do I start to be happy and see just who I am? 

Things I like to do.  I like to take something that looks like junk and give it a new life. So far I've only done this in my own home.  Giving a table or a shelf a new life with a can of spray paint.  I love looking at houses. To see the architecture, the decor, what a person has done with their home or what they could do to their home.  I used to do artwork on my own.  Some of it wasn't bad. Of course I used to write a little bit but we can see how that went. I need more practice to get my writing from this disjointed collection of thoughts into something more understandable.  I hope it won't take a lot of time. My college creative writing teacher loved my style of writing and I always got A's.  He would be so ashamed of me now.

My second husband and I started two businesses. They were not extremely profitable, but they were able to help us maintain what we had. Two houses, two new cars and the things that we wanted to do. But then came the bombing of the twin towers and our fragile finance world crashed. I remember crying the day I saw it on TV and all the loss of life.  What I didn't realize at the time was what it would mean as far as our finances. I apologize if that sounds selfish, but it affected everyone. I was working at home at the time, not only were we running our businesses but I worked at home doing transcription for a medical company.  I worked constantly, many times until one or two in the morning.

So why, with as much as I have done in my life, and the confidence that I once had in myself and the love of life that I carry, am I not able to get myself up and motivated to do so much more in my life?  I cannot blame my last husband any longer for the things that he did, I allowed it to happen.  I did not see what was happening until it was much too late. People who knew him, even his own mother, warned me that he would wind up leaving and doing this to me.  Everyone else saw, and yet I still ignored it all because I loved him. 

I can sit here and say that I will never allow another man to take over my life in such a way again. I will stand up for myself and speak out if I don't believe that things are going the way that they should.

I pour my heart out here and yet I read it and it doesn't seem like me at all.  I am a funny person and a joy to be with, and yet the person I see here after writing all of this, I do not know.  She is weak and needs to get a life.  So maybe I need to get to know her better and show her how to change her life to the better. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I moved to this state almost 9 years ago and it strikes me that this is really the first time that I am seeing much of it and the things it has to offer for leisure. Yesterday he took me to a brewery tour which was the first time that I had been.  I was amazed at the history of beer making and the fact that they give you free beer at the end of the tour of the facility. I'm a budlight girl. Have to admit that I like the mild taste of it as I'm not much of a drinker. But I opended my taste buds to a different brand and was amazed that I actually liked the pungent tastes of hoppes. Free buzz....Wine tasting next??

There is quite alot to do here, that I was not allowed to do.  It may seem amazing that I would allow someone to take over so much of my life but over time it just seems to happen and you don't realize that it has happened or how much their words affect you. Hearing so many negative things said to me for so long had a profound affect. My ex had me believing that I could do nothing without him. That I would never be able to make it on my own without him. I still have yet to prove to myself all that I am worth. I struggle with this all the time.

No one ever really wants to understand why a woman would stay with someone who would treat her so poorly and yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes they are the oppressors or the oppressed and don't even see that it is happening to them. I did not see that I was the woman that was becoming caged. I had always been very headstrong and had always done things the way that I wanted.  If I was afraid of something I would face it and learn more about it and just do it.  A fear of snowboarding, I did it. I was afraid of driving near semi's, I can probably tell you more about semi's now than most would know.  Walking away from someone was always easy and yet here I was, the wife, the mother and the housekeeper too afraid to go anywhere on my own. This was a change for me. Never before had I ever been afraid to go out on my own to even have a drink alone, to eat alone or to go to a movie alone.

How did it happen? I was taken away from my friends, my family and my life. I used to walk daily, exercise constantly and eat the right things. Complete opposite today.

I used to have confidence in myself and what I could do. The exact opposite is true today.

Where do I begin and how do I start to unlearn the things I have done for so many years? How do I get back to the confident person I used to be without trying to fake it. To truly know the person I am. Do I use that time in my life as an experience? A building block to make me a better person? Or do I simply chip away at it and dispose of it in the rubble?  Yet another thing to struggle with.

When we finally got home we were both exhausted. I like the fact the for once in my life I am with someone who enjoys cooking and has no qualms about being the first one to cook. It's a change from being with men who fully expect that it is a womans job to cook and clean and do everything.  It may be the stereotypical norm that it is a womans duty to cook and clean and make everything nice, but why the hell does it have to be like that??  Women need to raise our sons to believe something entirely different, we need to help raise our sons past the norms of the past. They need to be able to pick up the slack and be a partner not an observer in a relationship. I wonder if maybe this is why so many marriages begin to fail as women expect men to be the partner and men are not quite there yet.

I enjoy him being able to pick up some of the slack and I don't even have to ask. But I'm confused by him as well.  We do not say the 'L' word to one another other than in the occasional friendship vernacular. Yet last night came a couple comments I am confused by. 

He was on the computer and read an article about some guy who had sold off his baseball card collection to get his girlfriend a ring. But the girlfriend told him she couldn't see being with him the rest of her life. He looked at me and smiled and said "should I sell off my cards?"  Umm...what?! He joked about it a couple times and then came to me and kissed me and said "I think I could handle you".

What the hell?!  I'm not exactly sure what all of this is supposed to mean. Now if you don't tell each other that you them them, which is perfectly fine, why would you make comments like that? He has talked about going back to the state my family is at with me. Am I reading into things? Or is he? 

I don't feel that at this time in my life with everything that is going on (or not going on) that I can fully commit to someone. Aren't you supposed to have your life fully together before you can commit to someone fully? 

My fear of being with someone and committing to them is that I don't want to go back to what I just got away from. To get away from that I will sabotage the relationship that I have just to keep from being oppressed again. Unable to be the free spirit that I once was.  I don't think he would ever try to be oppressive of me but I have felt this before and been wrong. Fear is a strong thing to try and break the bonds of. I faced one fear by letting go of a husband who was toxic. I faced that fear and welcomed the prospect of a life without him. Yet the bonds he created still linger and I struggle daily to release the grip it has on me. Sometimes I feel the grip loosen and it makes things easier. But other days it feels more like an oppressive weight, like octopus tenticles strangling my chest and I can't get them to release.

Did I lose my identity of wife in the divorce.....or did I lose my identity of myself long ago?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

When you get divorced, you lose a part of your identity that you've carried for however long you were together. Sometimes you lose the friends you had together and you have to work to rebuild your identity and your self esteem.  I'm somewhere in there, still lost.  I have spent much of my adult life as a wife and a mother. What I am trying to figure out now is....Just who the hell am I?! I started using the term 'Muse' after someone told me that that is what I am. And quite frankly it seems to be true.

This is what I see a 'muse' as. Someone who brings either success or happiness or both to a person who is lost in what to do. Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually, after being with me they all eventually get what it is that makes them happy. But here's the other part. While helping them discover who they are or what it is that makes them happy...the more I lose a part of myself in them. I have come to terms with being a muse and have learned to embrace it. I have been called a 'life coach', a leprachaun and an angel. I have also been called other things as well but that I will leave for the time being.

Now that I have lost the identity of 'wife' I am left to figure out, for really the first time in years, who I am. What makes me tick, so to speak? What is it that makes me who I am? Do I complain too much? Am I being too bitchy? What do I have to do for myself to try to make me happy?

I have been thinking more and more lately of home. They say 'home is where your heart is' and my heart just isn't here anymore. I enjoy being with them man I am with. It is nice to finally be with someone who wants to do more than just sit around drinking and complaining about everything. But there is also a downside. I put everything I make into the house that more and more is not mine. Money into children who are not mine. It was not originally a relationship, it was just a roomate situation and I enjoyed helping him out. I had such hope at that time that I would be able to work and get going on my own after the divorce.  It's been six months now and nothing wonderful  has happened yet. The job situation absolutely sucks!  I run into people at these temporary jobs who tell me "oh, I didn't work for a year", "oh, it took me a year and a half to find a job".  WHAT?! I have never gone that long without a job and to be working these temporary assignments for this long is really starting to wear me down. How much longer is this going to last?  I'm now seriously considering going back to waitressing just to bring in money on a daily basis just to put money away. 

My feelings about being here are very mixed. On one hand we have talked about things in the long term. But the confusing thing is that we don't say I love you to one another. I wait for him to say it but it never comes and I've always been told to let the man say it first. If they don't feel it they won't say it. So if you don't say you love someone and can't say it, then why talk about things in the long term as though we will continue to be together? Why talk about moving to my home state with me if you can't say it? Many times I would like to say it to him, but other times I am glad that I haven't.

I'm not sure that after only a year (well, not quite a year) since the end of my last marriage, am I ready to say those words to someone else. Those words have brought alot of pain in the past and I don't want to go through that again.  Why would anyone?  I felt as though my ex was the love of my life, that I would never have to be with anyone else and yet at the same time I disliked him. I hated the way that he was.

So the journey of figuring things out for myself continues.